12:10 AM (Favorite)
Im physically and emotionally drained. I'm completely lacking in self confidence, and lost in the strange and unusually path's my mind and or heart has me taking. The reason behind my vacant expression, and my misguiding smile is due to the fact that this year has been slightly hard for me to handle. Not only have I fallen in and out of love, but i have found myself leaning towards a new keeley. A Keeley who has yet to be shown to her highest peak. This keeley, Has been twisted, and has had her head filled with dishonest dream's and high hopes. She's been injected with unhealthy thoughts, which has turned her life from a once innocent and young adolescent to a raging teen, ready to snap any innocent bystanders head off. The old Keeley would have hid at the consideration of smoking, or even turned and ran from the image of herself struggling to wake in the morning. She is not suicidal, nor depressed, Just highly confused and anxious. More so now than ever. The road I am travelling has thrown many unsafe and unclear objects into my path, Making my journey as ruff as ever. Yes, this is puberty as all the teachers and mothers tell me. Yes, this is me growing up, and learning to fight for what I want to be. Yes, this is keeley, putting herself in a bigger mess than needed, Like usually. I can see people judging me, My own flesh and blood eyeing me down as I walk through the house, which was once filled with trustworthy members. I can tell by the way my friends whisper to eachother behind my back, about how stupid and irresponsibly I am acting, that noone really values my existence as what they might have. I want to walk past people and have them stare at me because of my radian ts, not by what they have heard, or seen. I really need stability right now. Someone to lean on. Whether it be a lover, or a friend. I just need someone. Right now, i cannot stand the sound of my own thougts, the little voice as some may say. I need someone else to tell me Im fine, Because even the lies i've agreed to fuel my life, has yet to convince me. Im not okay, Im not even close to alright. Im drowning in no water what so ever. Falling from the highest point, plumiting towards the harsh ground which i shall meet without a warm welcome. As some may know, My lifeline is broken. (No I am not making this up, to fit in with edie sedgewick) yes, it is broken. Meaning I will most likely, never reach the ripe old age of 30. I've never truely belived in palm reading or mystical powers of some. Not even some religion. But, i guess in today's socioty, we all need something to belive in. May it be love, or magic. Something to hope for. Something to forever be searching to encounter. Something to dream of. I need that now more than ever. To have something to dream about rather then him. For something to fill my mind, to overpower the nessesity to think of my future. Im not sure where i am heading, let alone where I am to start with. But with patience, and a slight ounce of hope, i may get there in one peice.