Wednesday, 28th October
My first emotional meltdown. As I sit here writing, trying to vent, I'm struggling to hold back my tears. I walked into school today, with this lingering feeling of regret and heartache. I fought against the automatic necessity to be nice, and to smile. Instead I walked past my friends who I usually stand with, and went to my locker. Shoved my bag in and sat against the wall. Not realising i was actually crying as i read through his text's from the previous night. Then, without any control or resistance I let it out. My silent sobs and that burden that I've been carrying around like my sickness. She's there for me, like she usually is. Even though she has her own shit to sort out, Elle picks me up from where i have fallen and draws penis' on my tissues. I made it through the day. Thankfully. I returned home, and whipped my chalkboard clean. Clearing the happiness that once fueled my room, I wrote, In bold writing: "Why kill yourself? When life will do it for you" Smack bang in the middle. I don't understand anything these days, Everything is one massive blur, and only certain things become clear. Things Ive realised. One of which has just escaped from the blur and has caught my attention. I know 'for sure that if he does not want to stay another day, Then nor do I. I cant see that far into my future, but that slight glimpse that plays on loop in my mind feature's him. Him and everything that has had me hooked since day one. I'm captivating by his love towards me, I've never felt this way. A life without him and his protection, just isn't a life at all. "On the day's i cant see your eyes, I don't even want to open mine." It wont be the same without him.